Table 3 List of quotations
1. Negative emotions and violent feelings | |
1.1. Fear Q1. Huh, I was in the stairwell and I could see, well I see, I mean I could see them … and I wasn’t okay [embarrassed laugh] … yeah … because, well I mean there’s always some stress. Yes, especially after all that, yeah Q2. On my way out of school […] I was always scared that some moron would be waiting for me around the corner to kill me Q3. I didn’t necessarily have the guts to defend myself at the time, I didn’t really dare, I, I was a bit scared of the repercussions that would follow Q4. I would tremble, I wasn’t well, […] I would vomit | |
1.2. Sadness Q5. I would cry for nothing Q6. Yeah, you know, the urge to cry immediately Q7. At the slightest thing, you know, I can cry but I don’t do it in front of everyone Q8. I was destroyed, well, I couldn’t stop crying, it was really… Q9. I couldn’t work anymore, I couldn’t concentrate on my work, I cried all the time in the evenings, I didn’t feel like doing that | |
1.3. Aggressiveness Q3. I didn’t necessarily have the guts to defend myself at the time, I didn’t really dare, I, I was a bit scared of the repercussions that would follow Q10. Hate, obviously Q11. A little bit of hate I admit, they were aware of what they were doing, they were not in a trance you know, nor in an altered state. No, no, they took pleasure in hurting me, in seeing me suffer, so I feel no compassion for them or any need to forgive them Q12. I know that this girl is manipulative, that doesn’t surprise me about her now that I’ve seen the side of her that can be so nasty Q13. Yeah… well actually I come off as…someone nice but in reality deep within me if I’m pushed… If they don’t push me I’ll be nice, if they do well…I’ll take on a different form Q14. The desire to go after those people, to answer back but I, I didn’t have the guts to do it Q15. All the hatred that you feel for yourself, so you feel like mutilating yourself, hurting yourself… and at the same time feeling good, to feel alive in quotes Q16. Uh, in the middle of the 7th grade I started to cut myself. And then, well, later it was my brother who discovered it at the end of the school year in the 9th grade. [Interviewer: That lasted for a year and a half?] Yes, and it was two months before the end of the year Q17. The end of junior high, early high school, that’s when I didn’t hesitate to cut myself Q18. [Interviewer: Did you go further than the cuttings?] Yes, […] I was going to try. [Interviewer: And what stopped you?] Well, my brother Q19. Yeah, no I got tired of it and I wanted to end my life and then um… Q20. [Interviewer: You had dark thoughts?] Yes Q21. [Interviewer: Some kind of plan?] Uh, I had prepared a stock of drugs um for the day when, when I would have wanted to Q22. I’m at, I attempted to commit suicide… I attempted to commit suicide and it was complicated because I wanted to do it but still I didn’t have … have the… have the balls in quotes to do it… uh | |
1.4. Mistrust Q12. I know that this girl is manipulative, that doesn’t surprise me about her now that I’ve seen the side of her that can be so nasty Q23. And actually, there were several boys who wanted to go out with me and I didn’t want to, and I was in love with a boy who wasn’t in love with me. And so, um… we would send each other messages but in fact he made me believe that he too was in love. So, in fact I got caught up in his game and … I’m thinking, maybe something can happen between us. And in the end, it turned out that that wasn’t it, and… uh… and he… he set up all the boys in the class against me Q24. She had told everyone that I had led her to suicide, etc. So well the people believed it … they left me alone all the time they didn’t want to talk to me anymore Q25. It was mostly a group of people who were manipulated by the person I had dated, um… really rebelling against me, it really hurt because they tried to get everyone against me. I felt really lonely and that’s what hurt me the most Q26. I can see that they talk behind my back, I’ve got people who come and tell me, I can see very well that some things are done so it’s…it’s always annoying, it’s always there… Q27. It began in middle school; I was friends with a group of girls but then I had a disagreement with one of them. I started dating a boy and she didn’t like it because I was no longer with her as much. She started spreading rumors about me Q28. Yes, I was becoming almost paranoid, suspicious of everything, because of being betrayed and deceived by people who I thought were my friends Q29. It’s true that it was hard because she was my best friend … Q30. Overnight she was my ex-best friend, I didn’t understand it, she turned on me and started insulting me [and] all that … Q31. There’s my ex-boyfriend who, now that I’m longer with him, bullies me too Q32. It started because I was with him, and then he turned his back on me Q33. That we were a group of girls and… overnight, they told me … well it was toward the end of the 7th grade; a group of girls would say to me “yeah, you dress badly" … well,” you’re stupid”, “you don’t know how to do anything”, so they would tell me that every day Q34. He kind of got all the boys in the class against me Q35. Everyone’s mad at me, taking turns, I don’t get it Q36. When people, teenagers have decided that we are the target in quotes, well that’s it, everyone is against us, and so it’s a very difficult experience because after that it’s not just necessarily in college, it also spreads to social networks Q37. Even when I meet people I don’t know, they push me around and know my name Q38. It was really almost the entire high school, well the entire middle school Q39. It went so far that when I would hear someone laughing, I would think they were laughing about me Q40. I was suspicious of others Q41. I’d say yes and it’s normal that today I’m quite suspicious, at least more than before, always a little apprehensive about who people are, their personality, what they really think. I’m relatively good at identifying people, their profiles in quotes Q42. I don’t trust many people; I even find it difficult within my family. So um, I find it hard to trust people Q43. I knew for a fact who had done it and everyone was in cahoots with that Q44. Everyone wanted to go out with me to prove to everyone else that I was an easy girl | |
2. Isolation and loneliness | |
2.1. The refuge within oneself Q45. I didn’t take this perception of others well, I would lower my head as I walked, with timid, withdrawn positions. That lasted a long time, you never forget Q46. I would walk fast and I was always in a hurry to get home Q47. I didn’t come to high school for a few days, I could no longer set foot here, I couldn’t | |
2.2. Rejection Q48. I don’t feel accepted, really not at all Q49. I’m not taken seriously Q50. I would try to fit in but no one accepted me. It’s hard Q51. So, I eat lunch with friends, sometimes they say, “well no, you’re not supposed to be here, we don’t want you and everything …”. When at times I talk to people with whom I get along and there’s this person, well who bugs me, he tells me “Oh shut up, get lost”, well things like that, well, repeated, repeated, repeated, that, that, it’s hard to experience, it’s rather complicated Q52. People rejected me a lot, it was a lot of rumors about my case, I was really not accepted and so I actually suffered quite a bit Q53. I mostly feel that, you know, that they use that to hurt me as much as possible then exclude me from everything well as soon as, as soon as there is something with everyone, they tell me “‘get lost, you’ve got nothing to do here”! | |
2.3. Helplessness Q25. It was mostly a group of people who were manipulated by the person I had dated, um… really rebelling against me, it really hurt because they tried to get everyone against me. I felt really lonely and that’s what hurt me the most Q48. I don’t feel accepted, really not at all Q54. They left me alone all the time, they didn’t want to talk to me anymore … Q55. They left me alone, I was really on my own Q56. Isolated, really very isolated Q57. At times it really made me lose my self-esteem you know… eventually, every day, well a criticism now and then, so as long as it’s constructive it’s no problem, but when it’s not constructive and it’s repeated every day, well eventually you begin to have doubts […] when you’re… well especially when you’re alone I think when you have no one around you, even if your parents are there you don’t necessarily have the guts to tell them and … so you dwell on it, you dwell on it and ask yourself many questions and … and you question yourself a lot Q58. Even though I was surrounded by lots of people I felt lonely. I felt like no one understood me and no one could help me Q59. Everyone was acting like it was normal, normal there’s a girl getting pushed around in the hallway … nobody cares … Q60. You know that’s what I’m saying, when I fought with Vanessa, what did my supervisor say, she said ‘yes, well, you only have to make a wig with it’ or in the 9th grade my finger got caught in the door um… yeah I broke my little finger, well just the little bit here, I went to see my supervisor, she laughed in my face… so I went straight to the principal’s office and then I showed him my finger, from there the emergency services came in, well that’s it, no, no one gave a damn about me, that’s good it’s her life not ours Q61. I felt like I was also bothering them at the police station, the impression that I wasn’t necessarily being listened to … hard to be taken seriously. The impression that when I spoke to them about that, it was not that bad because there weren’t that many calls, that it wasn’t that bad | |
2.4. The secret Q57. At times it really made me lose my self-esteem you know… eventually, every day, well a criticism now and then, so as long as it’s constructive it’s no problem, but when it’s not constructive and it’s repeated every day, well eventually you begin to have doubts […] when you’re… well especially when you’re alone I think when you have no one around you, even if your parents are there you don’t necessarily have the guts to tell them and … so you dwell on it, you dwell on it and ask yourself many questions and … and you question yourself a lot Q62. I would say nothing, I would keep silent… without saying anything… Q63. I hadn’t told anyone Q64. We would say nothing Q65. I didn’t talk about it because I was ashamed Q66. I couldn’t talk about it Q67. I would say nothing but I would cry Q68. I kept everything inside Q69. I had already told her about it because you know I came home crying, I was angry, I was hitting everything … well especially the bed but… then well there was nothing. Then this year I hadn’t told her about this year, I really started talking to her about it you know… when it really started getting unbearable and she would see that I was crying but well… It was mainly my drum teacher who advised me to talk to my mom, who told me not to stay that way Q70. My parents, uh, I didn’t tell them about it Q71. I didn’t really want to talk to my parents Q72. Well, I would pretend that it was fine… but in my head, it wasn’t Q73. I had bruises in the eighth grade, one of the classmates I sat next to would punch me in the thigh because I supposedly took too much space at the table. When my mother would ask where all the bruises came from, I would lie and say that I had bumped into something Q74. It’s true that I took a long time to talk to her, not because, I don’t know, well I was withdrawn it’s true that, about everything about many other things. I used to be quite shy, and um, I would keep a lot to myself and I would say that’s what really destroyed me Q75. I waited until the ninth grade to talk about it, the day two guys, twin brothers, tried to grab me on the way out [of school]and my dad caught them. I told my parents everything after that, 6 months before the middle high school certificate and overnight, I was no longer bullied. I think it scared them; they saw the limits. But I was even more alone after that, I passed for a sucker Q76. It’s not my goal, I don’t want to get into trouble and get my mom into trouble because of kids’ reactions in quotes Q77. Talking about it always evokes heartbreaking memories, naturally, it’s not something one forgets, but it also helps other victims to talk about it while they were hiding themselves in silence. It’s important to talk about it. Honestly, it helped me, so I’m doing everything I can to get others to talk about it. And writing also helped me get through it Q78. I actually talked about it easily, I’d been going through that for several years… I figured it was pointless to hide, it was like carrying a weight on my own so I thought I might as well talk about it because it allows to, well, at least so people know and it’s important because it involved people from high school Q79. I think I’ve changed since I’ve been here, even though it will only be a week tomorrow, but there’s a change, I see it myself. Even as I speak to people, I am able to open up, like to you or to psychologists and doctors. I think it’s cool Q80. I didn’t know that I could talk to people I could trust, psychologists and all that. Now it’s something I know so if one day I’m not doing too great, I think I’d make an appointment with these people. And it’s something that’s good to talk about. Something I didn’t dare do before but it’s true that talking, it does a world of good. We feel liberated actually we get all our hatred out, all our anger yeah it feels good | |
3. Self and identity repercussions | |
3.1. Shame Q65. I didn’t talk about it because I was ashamed Q81. Actually, I was too ashamed Q82. Uh. Then as soon as I had something that was not that normal, I would feel ashamed I … I would think to myself ‘why did I do that, why did I wear this’ people would feel it, they would laugh at me Q83. I didn’t dare take my clothes off because I was ashamed of my body and the others would laugh at me Q84. I would feel ashamed… Why me, it hurts me and not the others? | |
3.2. Lowered self-esteem Q57. At times it really made me lose my self-esteem you know… eventually, every day, well a criticism now and then, so as long as it’s constructive it’s no problem, but when it’s not constructive and it’s repeated every day, well eventually you begin to have doubts […] when you’re… well especially when you’re alone I think when you have no one around you, even if your parents are there you don’t necessarily have the guts to tell them and … so you dwell on it, you dwell on it and ask yourself many questions and … and you question yourself a lot Q85. I didn’t have any confidence in myself at all Q86. I had lost all confidence in myself. Really, I was trying to find myself… Q87. In the end everything they would tell me, I would think “ah maybe they’re right” and suddenly I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore […]. And I don’t know I found myself disgusting, and I would think, “they’re actually right” Q88. When I would try on a top, as soon as I would buy a top I would think, “Will people like it, will people like it?” Did I like it? No I didn’t ask myself that question Q89. I’ve never been self-confident so after, let’s say that didn’t help make me more confident Q90. After, uh, one tries to restore self-confidence little by little | |
3.3. Identity questions Q84. I would feel ashamed… Why me, it hurts me and not the others? Q91. It started I don’t know, well maybe because I was weaker or more sensitive, well also I’m a little different… well I’m sturdier, well, more sturdy in the sense of stocky, I’m more … well, I’m not really like everyone else Q92. I have a slightly different way of reacting, I can… well I’m more sensitive, at the slightest thing well I can cry but I don’t do it in front of everyone, then I’m a bit violent, well not violent, I can talk back to people and they don’t like that Q93. I was different, that’s all Q94. [Interviewer: Why do you feel weaker than others?] Mentality then … height. And then um in the way I express myself when I… they don’t take me seriously Q95. Well… they would avoid me… because I was different … Q96. I’m very small, I have a problem with my leg so I’ve always been mocked Q97. Because I’m small Q98. Well, I didn’t dress like them. […] Well, I wore… I didn’t wear leading clothing trademarks; I didn’t have any branded shoes so you have to avoid people like that… Q99. I’ve always wanted it, to be different, not to look like everyone else Q100. I would try to fit in, but no one accepted me. It’s hard. I wasn’t easily influenced, I didn’t try to drink or smoke to be like them, so they felt I was different. I didn’t want to follow this mold imposed by everyone there … Q101. I wanted to always reflect the image of what they wanted Q102. Not looking like everyone else, it really brought me problems | |
3.4. Bullying as a life experience Q41. I’d say yes and it’s normal that today I’m quite suspicious, at least more than before, always a little apprehensive about who people are, their personality, what they really think. I’m relatively good at identifying people, their profiles in quotes Q45. I didn’t take this perception of others well, I would lower my head as I walked, with timid, withdrawn positions. That lasted a long time, you never forget Q103. What has changed today is that I understand that the person in front of me is just like me, that he is not superior, that I am not superior to her and that everything must be based on some form of dialogue, and well at the time I didn’t understand it at all Q104. At the same time, it’s a good experience, well in quotes because it makes us grow, it makes us become aware of things and that … in fact it’s possible that without that I would not be the person that I am today, not as mature not as um … thoughtful. So, it made me move forward, it helped me like it destroyed me. […] The past helps us move forward, not everyone, but I know that the past helped me move forward, made me mature, made me realize things that I had not … Q105. No, I would even say that it strengthened me. I built myself around that. That’s what I was telling you, it began very early and it was more or less nasty each time. […] I may have passed this test; it may help me to understand the future tests that I might encounter in my future life | |